TV Rumor Junk Drawer

With next week’s television networks’ upfront presentations rapidly approaching, we thought that it might be a good idea to look at some TV rumors and news items that are currently swirling around the industry. For those not in the know, the upfronts occur in mid-May when the four major networks (and little bastard child The CW) present their fall schedules to advertisers in hopes of garnering the sweet nectar of ad revenue. It’s right around this time of year that you start hearing all kinds of crazy shit about which shows are going to get axed, which pilots the networks have a hard-on for, and which time slot is now the home of four of your favorite shows, thus frying your poor little Tivo. Giddyup:

*ABC and the producers of Lost announced on Monday that the series will come to a close in 2010 after three more shortened 16-episode seasons (as opposed to the standard 22-24 episode variety). The seasons will also be shown in consecutive 16-week blocks each year, which should actually be the standard for serialized shows of this nature. Smart move, ABC – now maybe viewers who abandoned the show for …. moving …. at …. a …. snail’s …. pace …. and …. for …. never …. answering …. any …. questions …. will return knowing that the end is in sight. The producers will almost HAVE to answer those burning questions now, right? Right?!

*With hourlong “dramadies” like Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty all the rage, NBC is contemplating expanding The Office to 60 minutes every week next season. To my knowledge, in the history of television a 30-minute sitcom has never been converted to 60 minutes on a regular basis. Anyone else think this is a terrible idea? While the second season was spot-on brilliant, this season has had its ups and downs and essentially doubling the output of the show might be an idea best left unexplored. When you also consider that rumors have NBC moving the show to 9PM on Thursdays (opposite juggernauts CSI and Grey’s Anatomy)… maybe it’s not the best time to be experimenting like this.

*Rumors have had Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas pitching an idea to The CW where the series would jump into the future four years and have Kristen Bell’s titular character in the FBI as a full-fledged agent. According to a few TV writers (here and here) The CW may be sold on this idea, thereby bringing it back for a full season where it would be paired with The OC creator Josh Schwartz’s new offering, Gossip Girl. Now, due to ratings that can best be described as about as big as an ant’s cock, even the most diehard and optimistic Veronica fan (yours truly included) isn’t really expecting anything more than a half-season order with the potential for more episodes depending on the ratings. On the other hand, anything that keeps the show (and Kristen Bell) on my TV is cause for celebration. Which of course means that this has no chance in hell of happening because that’s just my luck. Fuck you, TV gods.

*NBC is still up in the air on whether to renew the pound-for-pound best show on television, Friday Night Lights. ‘Cause, you know, everyone needs better programming like Crossing Jordan. Why reward a show like Friday Night Lights for having the best writing and acting on TV? No one wants to watch a show like that, and no one ever will if NBC follows through on the rumor of dumping it on Friday nights should it be renewed. Call me crazy, but maybe scheduling it for Sunday nights in January once the NFL season is completed might be a good idea. Here’s the reason – people are used to football on Sundays (despite the fact that even if you don’t like football, you’ll like this show). I’ll expect my consultant’s check in the mail within the week, NBC.

*Following this very mediocre sixth season, 24 may be getting a facelift (much like series star Kiefer Sutherland apparently has – Kiefer, what’s up with your face, dude?) next season by moving out of LA and ditching CTU altogether. This might be the best thing for a once-brilliant show that has relied on clichés and reheated and rehashed plots. There’s nothing worse than seeing a show that was once gripping television coast along on fumes, so maybe a change of scenery will help rejuvenate 24 to its past glory.

*One of the pilots that The CW supposedly has the hots for is called Reaper and is about a dude who is commissioned by Beelzebub to track down and capture escapees from Hell. Hey, fellow TV addicts, remember that show back in the late ‘90’s on FOX that was called Brimstone and was like, THE EXACT SAME CONCEPT? The CW thinks you’re a moron and hopes that you don’t. Remember, this is the same “network” that brought you quality programming like The Search For The Next Herpes-Ridden Skank Pussycat Doll.

*Finally, why is House still on the air? Haven’t people grown tired of watching the same episode for three years running? Person comes in with a mysterious illness. House acts like an ass. The doctors think they figure out said mysterious illness. It turns out they were wrong. House acts like an ass. The doctors actually do figure out the mysterious illness. Again… House acts like an ass. Repeat next week. Seriously, people – what’s the deal? OK, so that’s not really news or a rumor – it just needed to be said.

With that, we’ll be back next week for a day-by-day look at each network’s schedule, highlighting what you should be excited for and what you should avoid like the gonorrhea.