Movies That Stink Like Feet

Since this is one of the the first movie reviews posted here at The Dirtywhirl, let's take a quick look at the rating system that we use to evaluate these feats of cinematic achievement (or lackthereof):

100 - Classic Film; One Of The Best Of All Time
99-90 - Exceptional Work; Rush Out And Netflix This
89-80 - Very, Very Good; You Should Still Go Out And Netflix This
79-70 - Not Bad At All; Might Actually Be Worth Your Time
69-60 - Has Its Moments But On The Whole... Meh
59-50 - Won't Make Your Eyes Bleed; Won't Make You Smile, Either
49-0 - Don't Waste Your Time; You're Smarter Than This (Probably)

Now... onto the reviews:

Pan’s Labyrinth
Pan’s Labyrinth is the quintessential example of bait-and-switch marketing. Every preview and/or still shot that was presented as part of its marketing campaign shamelessly played up the film’s fantasy aspect. From the Pale Man with eyes in his hands, to the statuesque Faun… even the movie poster itself that showed a small girl at the entrance of a massive labyrinth - all of these images were used to draw fans of fantasy/horror to a movie that actually only uses those tools for about 10% of the film. Surprise, suckers! I feel incredibly cheated. I signed up to see director Guillermo Del Toro’s (Hellboy) grotesquely freakish creatures, not a ham-handed message film about anti-fascist guerrilla soldiers in 1940’s Spain. Now, I’m not a totally unreasonable guy (despite what you may hear). Even though I was hoodwinked into this story, I would have bought into it had it been done carefully, but that’s yet another surprise – it’s not. Very heavy-handed in its message that fascism = bad while guerrilla rebels = good, Pan’s Labyrinth is downright boring and unbelievable for much of its 112 minute running time. The film follows a young girl named Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) who is believed to be the reincarnation of an underworld princess. Ofelia moves with her pregnant mother to a mill in the Spanish countryside where her stepfather, The Captain (Sergi Lopez) is stationed and attempting to hold off anti-fascist rebels. Partially through boredom and exasperation with her situation, Ofelia descends into a dream world, guided by The Faun (Doug Jones, Hellboy) who presents Ofelia with a series of tasks designed to prove that she is, in fact, the reincarnation of the princess. Sadly, this sounds much more interesting than how it actually plays out as Del Toro decides to focus way too much of his time and energy on Lopez’s mustache-twirling Captain, who is one of the most ineffective film villains in recent memory. His performance (and Del Toro’s focus upon it) ends up becoming Pan’s Labyrinth’s greatest weakness. When you look through the history of film, every great heavy has some kind of motivation for his misdeeds – there’s a method to his madness, if you will. Lopez’s Captain, on the other hand, is so cartoonishly over the top in his villainy that he drags the entire film down with him. You’re never able to take him seriously, making you apathetic to the cause of the rebels and thus the film itself. Pan’s Labyrinth may have had a chance to be great had it focused on Del Toro’s strengths, but by focusing too much of its time on an ineffectual villain and becoming a message film it ends up cheating both itself and its audience.

Dirty Rating: 44/100

Other (Way Too Slobbery) Reviews Of Pan's Labyrinth On Metacritic