Fall TV Preview - Tuesday

Tuesday Night Preview
Best Returning Bet: Uh… there’s… and also…
Can I pick none? Seriously – this night is a vast wasteland of crap upon crap. Gone are the days of Tuesday nights packed with quality programming like Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls. In their place we get what? Cavemen? The Biggest Loser? Boston Legal? Ugh. Pass. If I had to pick one… shit… Nip/Tuck (10:00 – FX; starting 10/30) I guess. Even that show sucked vacuum-cleaner style last year and with that waste of food Rosie O’Donnell returning yet again for multiple episodes, it’s probably still going to suck. At least it’s not House, though. That’s something.

Most Promising New Show: Cane – 10:00 CBS (Starting 9/25)
Having been described as both a Latino version of The Sopranos and as Dallas if you substituted sugar-cane and rum for oil (side note: Is this the first time that a series has been compared to both The Sopranos and Dallas? Discuss amongst yourselves), and boasting a cast that includes Jimmy Smits, Hector Elizondo, Rita Moreno, Nestor Carbonell, and Polly Walker, Cane certainly has the ingredients for success. Backstabbings, betrayals, sex, money, power, murder… it’s all here. Unfortunately for its long-term prospects, however, Cane most definitely does not adhere to the CBS cookie-cutter crime procedural mold that has inexplicably been so successful for the network. It also bears striking similarities to the doomed Ray Liotta vehicle from last fall, Smith, which floundered in this exact timeslot and was summarily yanked after only three airings. Early rumors had CBS scheduling Cane after its CSI juggernaut on Thursday nights, but that never came to pass which could be a telling sign. Maybe you should try to catch this one while it’s still around.

Tuesday Trivialities:
• This is the shittiest night of TV, bar none. At least Fridays have Friday Night Lights and Saturdays have college football. The only two shows worth mentioning on Tuesdays are new offerings which could be gone within a matter of weeks. Don’t believe me? Read on.
• Who greenlit Cavemen (8:00 – ABC; starting 10/2)? Someone tell me because they deserve a swift kick in the bathing suit area for foisting this rancid pile of dogshit upon us. I’m prone to exaggeration – it’s what I do – but this seriously might be the single worst idea in the history of television. Take a series of unfunny ads – fucking INSURANCE COMPANY ads, no less – and turn them into a series. Fucking brilliant. And to make matters worse, ABC has paired Cavemen with the almost as horrible Carpoolers (8:30 – ABC; starting 10/2) to form possibly the stupidest hour of TV imaginable (non-reality division). If you watch either of these shows, you’re dead to me. I mean it. Dead.
• One of the only other shows with potential on Tuesday nights is The CW’s Reaper (9:00 – CW; starting 9/25). The concept, a slacker has his soul sold to Satan and in exchange must track down escapees from Hell, was done on FOX’s Brimstone in the late ‘90’s but it’s being played for laughs this time around. The combo of sci-fi and comedy could prove to be appealing and besides, what else are you going to do on Tuesdays at 9? Watch House? I didn’t think so.
• House (9:00 – FOX; starting 9/25). Goddamn you and your undeserved popularity. I’m begging you to be original for once in your miserable fucking run. Begging you.
• Boston Legal (10:00 – ABC; starting 9/25). And goddamn you, too for your undeserved accolades. How this show managed to get nominated for an Emmy is one of those mysteries of life. Kinda like the pyramids and how Britney Spears fucked her career up this badly. Really makes you think.
• Lastly, FX’s Nip/Tuck (10:00 – FX; starting 10/30) was given a 22-episode order for its fifth season. This really is worth mentioning considering that most cable series only get 13 installments per season, so Julian McMahon will get to show his ass almost twice as much this year. This unorthodox move could come back to bite FX in their own posterior since the show has been uneven at best for the past few years. And if you don’t believe me, I remind you that The Carver storyline ended up with a male rapist who was born without a dick. Born. Without. A. Dick. I really don’t need to say any more, do I?

What We’re Watching/Recording On Tuesdays:
Watching:
Cane
Recording:
Reaper
Nip/Tuck (mainly to see how much of a train-wreck it will be)