The Emmy Travesties... Er... Nominations Announced

The Emmys
Award shows suck. They just do – there’s no getting around it. Whoever it is that is entrusted with the responsibility of rounding up and recognizing the best in an industry, be it movies, music, or television is guaranteed – GUARANTEED – to fuck it up. The 2007 Emmy nominations, announced on Thursday, are proof positive of this. In a season where American Idol and Dancing With The Stars held down six of the top ten slots in the season’s ratings, I guess we really shouldn’t be surprised, but let’s break this travesty down anyway by looking at the major categories:

Outstanding Drama Series:
Boston Legal
Grey’s Anatomy
Heroes
House
The Sopranos

Yeah… so only one of those shows really deserves to be there. Guess which one? Not Boston Legal. Isn’t that actually a cartoon? What’s it doing in the Best Drama Category? House is the same goddamn show every fucking week and would be the biggest mistake in this category if it weren’t for the inexplicable inclusion of the aforementioned Boston Legal. Grey’s Anatomy is a decent guilty pleasure, but anyone who thinks it’s any more than that is kidding themselves. And The Sopranos… here’s where I have a huge problem with these self-congratulatory spectacles. Everyone – and I mean everyone – recognized that this final season of the beloved Sopranos was uneven. But, since this is the last time that the industry can jerk itself off for upping the quality of the medium with a show like this, The Sopranos gets 15 nominations. Last I checked, this was an award for 2006-2007… not for lifetime achievement. Where’s The Wire, widely hailed as the best show on all of television? Where’s Friday Night Lights, currently the best (albeit little-watched) show on network television? Taking a backseat to fucking horseshit like Boston Legal and House, I suppose. Fuck this so hard. Heroes… it’s all up to you to use your collective superpowers to stand up for quality. Don’t let us down.

Should Win: Heroes
Will Win: The Sopranos

Outstanding Comedy Series
Entourage
The Office
30 Rock
Two And A Half Men
Ugly Betty

While not as egregious as the Best Drama category, there are still some posers in the Best Comedy race, namely Two And A Half Men and Ugly Betty. Two And A Half Men is one of the most formulaic and generic sitcoms on television and as such shouldn’t be credited as one of the best. In order to be one of the best you should really be advancing the genre and/or doing something different, which this show is genetically incapable of. And Ugly Betty… this is one of those bastardized comedy/dramas that is hard to fit into one category or another, but Hollywood loves it for being so progressive that it’s consistently slobbered upon by critics and industry figures alike. Entourage is wildly uneven these days and even the usually brilliant The Office had its ups and downs this year. This leaves 30 Rock which, by the middle of the season found its voice and was consistently absurdly hilarious and will hopefully get the boost in profile that The Office received from its Best Comedy victory last year. Room probably should have been made for How I Met Your Mother and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia in this category, but the former has too low of a profile and the latter is probably too mean-spirited for the voting panel. Pussies.

Should Win: 30 Rock
Will Win: Ugly Betty

Lead Actor In A Drama Series
James Gandolfini, The Sopranos
Hugh Laurie, House
Denis Leary, Rescue Me
James Spader, Boston Legal
Kiefer Sutherland, 24

Yeah… none of these guys really deserve to win. James Gandolfini probably will just because of the earlier lifetime achievement bullshit that The Sopranos will be feted with. Hugh Laurie is the only really interesting thing about House, but his show is a one-trick pony and the whole asshole act gets tired after a while. Denis Leary does great work on Rescue Me, but his tendency as co-creator and co-writer of having his character nail hot chick after hot chick while looking like a gargoyle is mildly annoying. James Spader sucks and is only in here because I think that the Emmy voters just recycle the same ballad year after year. I think that’s called inertia if I’m not mistaken. And Kiefer Sutherland… love ya buddy but this season of 24 sucked so hard that it left teeth marks so therefore you’re guilty by association. It’s an outright travesty that Kyle Chandler, doing some of the most subtly realistic work on TV on Friday Night Lights (not to mention the best work of his career), wasn’t nominated. God forbid the Emmys recognize and reward outstanding work. That’s just crazy talk.

Should Win: Kyle Chandler. Oh, yeah… he wasn’t nominated. Um… well… Denis Leary, then. I guess.
Will Win: James Gandolfini

Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Patricia Arquette, Medium
Minnie Driver, The Riches
Edie Falco, The Sopranos
Sally Field, Brothers And Sisters
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

1…2…3…4…5...6. Yup… I counted right. There are actually six nominees in this category, none of which should really be here. Let me get this straight – the Emmy panel can nominate six fairly mediocre actresses (none of which is the dazzling Connie Britton from Friday Night Lights – sensing a theme here?) but can’t fit an extra series or two in the Best Drama or Best Comedy race? This is why I hate award shows. Patricia Arquette is nominated for a show that 99.9% of the country doesn’t realize is actually still on; Minnie Driver was actually OK on The Riches, but OK don’t win Emmys; Edie Falco is on The Sopranos – see James Gandolfini; Brothers And Sisters was fairly well received but Sally Field isn’t the first actress that comes to mind on that show; Mariska Hargitay is part of the Law & Order franchise where acting really need not apply; and Kyra Sedgwick is vastly overrated in her role on The Closer. Your guess is as good as mine here.

Should Win: No one, but since someone has to, Minnie Driver by default
Will Win: Kyra Sedgwick

Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Steve Carrell, The Office
Ricky Gervais, Extras
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Charlie Sheen, Two And A Half Men

What a concept – a category where more than one nominee actually rates a win. Alec Baldwin is spot-on hilarious in his role as a blowhard network executive on 30 Rock. He’s actually even funnier than he was on that voicemail to his 11-year-old daughter where he called her a “rude little pig,” and to be funnier than that is saying something. Steve Carrell is brilliant as usual on The Office, playing Michael Scott as a pathetic loser who just wants to be loved by everyone. Ricky Gervais was more hit-or-miss on Extras than he was on the original version of The Office, Tony Shalhoub is the James Spader of the comedy category, and Charlie Sheen… wait, Charlie Sheen? Oh, I get it… the Emmy panel must have gotten bribed with some of Sheen’s stash to come up with his nomination. Either Carrell or Baldwin could conceivably squeeze this one out, but give it to Baldwin since this season of The Office was a bit uneven and Baldwin was nothing less than a comedy revelation on 30 Rock.

Should Win: Alec Baldwin
Will Win: Alec Baldwin

Lead Actress In A Drama Series
America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, The New Adventures Of Old Christine
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

Wow… another category where there are actually two legit contenders. That must be some kind of record. Let’s eliminate Felicity Huffman right away because Desperate Housewives’ day in the sun has thankfully come and gone. Cross off Julia Louis-Dreyfuss as well because her show isn’t actually, you know, good. That leaves Tina Fey, a dual threat as the creator and star of the year’s best new comedy, 30 Rock and Mary-Louise Parker for her role as a MILF drug dealer on Weeds. Either of these two ladies could win and it would be well deserved. Too bad America Ferrera is going to take it for her role as a “realistic” woman in the 2007 workplace. You know what this means, right? Ugly Betty probably won’t be as ugly this year. TV Rule #143 – Actresses on successful TV series invariably get more glamorous as years go on and they get more money. Doesn’t that really defeat the purpose of Ugly Betty? Hypocrites.

Should Win: Mary-Louise Parker in a toss up.
Will Win: America Ferrera

The Emmy Awards will be presented on FOX on September 16 but after looking at these nominees I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one fucking cares. Wake me when it’s over.

Who's with me? Comment below.