Quick N' Dirty Reviews

Andrew Bird/ Armchair Apocrypha
For those who lack patience, albums that don’t reveal themselves immediately can be incredibly frustrating. As a society, we’ve become so conditioned to expect everything now, now, now that we’re unable to exhibit the stamina that it takes to fully enjoy something that requires any devotion of time. Andrew Bird’s latest, Armchair Apocrypha, falls into this category. I’ll fully admit to being guilty of this lack of patience myself, even when it comes to Andrew Bird. Despite considerable press for his last offering, Andrew Bird And The Mysterious Production Of Eggs, it never really captured my interest. And at an initial listen, Armchair Apocrypha comes off as very stark in its own right, with nothing that immediately grabs the listener and screams, “Take notice!” However, after a few listens it begins to slowly open up like the petals of a flower. One petal reveals the Jeff Buckley-esque vocals on “Armchairs;” the next, the haunting synths of “Simple X;” another, the gentle finger-plucked violin on “Imitosis;” and still another the ethereal whistle and serene harmonies of Haley Bonar on “Spare-Ohs.” Lyrically, Bird is at the top of his game, laying claim to his status as one of the most literary-minded artists in rock today. Songs such as “Scythian Empires” and “Darkmatter” are prime examples. In essence, the spare production and intelligent lyrics serve to lend gravity to Bird’s music – even the instrumental tracks serve their purpose and aren’t the filler that they could have been on a lesser record. Armchair Apocrypha, while eclectic in its nature never feels like Bird is straining to sound like his influences – only that they’re revealing themselves organically in his work.

Dirty Rating: 86/100

Andrew Bird On MySpace Music
Andrew Bird's Official Site


Albert Hammond, Jr./ Yours To Keep
The musical landscape is littered with side projects by members of various bands that failed for one reason or another. Sometimes it’s hubris; sometimes it’s that those artists are better off as part of a whole; and sometimes… those artists just flat out suck. Albert Hammond, Jr. (better known as the rhythm guitarist for The Strokes) does not fit into any of the above categories, at least not on the basis of his solo debut, Yours To Keep. After the atrocity that was The Strokes last release, First Impressions Of Earth, it’s fair to say that Yours To Keep comes as a pleasant surprise. Hammond has an appealing vocal style – to say “singing voice” would probably be a stretch – as he shares more than a little in common vocally with bandmate Julian Casablancas, with the major difference being that he doesn’t possess the cigarette stained yelp that’s present in Casablancas’s voice. Musically, it’s clear that Hammond is a classic rock fan as hints of The Beach Boys and The Who pop up from time to time, and he also proves himself more than capable as a lead guitarist. Note to the rest of The Strokes (particularly you, Casablancas): It might be a good idea to cede some of your songwriting and/or vocals to Hammond in the future. The strength of tracks like “Everyone Gets A Star,” “In Transit,” “Holiday,” and stellar second single “101,” all of which would feel right at home on a Strokes record, demonstrates this fact. Ultimately, Yours To Keep is what First Impressions Of Earth could have been and it serves as an announcement that The Strokes are (and should be) more than a one-man show.

Dirty Rating: 76/100

Albert Hammond, Jr. On MySpace Music
The Strokes' Official Site


Youth Group/ Casino Twilight Dogs
When a band gets its foot in the door in the music industry on the basis of a cover, it’s only natural to be wary of their talent. Anyone can record a song that’s already been done. That’s why we have drunken karaoke and the abomination known as American Idol. Hell, the band down at your local bar does the same thing every night – and that doesn’t make them good or worthwhile. There’s even more reason to be skeptical when the cover in question is a really bad song like Alphaville’s “Forever Young,” but when you’re able to take a crap nugget like that and turn it into a beautifully compelling pop ballad you’re gonna gain people’s attention, which is what Youth Group has done with Casino Twilight Dogs. After their “Forever Young” cover was featured prominently in FOX’s television series The OC, Youth Group began garnering some press and although Casino Twilight Dogs was released in 2006 in their native Australia, it only received a US release earlier this year largely on the strength of “Forever Young.” Luckily for fans of indie pop there’s more here than just that one track. “Daisychains,” “On A String,” and “Catching & Killing” are all top-shelf indie pop offerings, somewhat bringing to mind a poppier Stereophonics. Where their previous record, Skeleton Jar, was sketchy – a few tracks here and there, but not enough to sustain an entire album – Casino Twilight Dogs is solid from beginning to end. A few more albums like this an there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll hear Youth Group being covered by bar bands around the country.

Dirty Rating: 81/100

Youth Group On MySpace Music
Youth Group's Official Site

Movies That Stink Like Feet

Since this is one of the the first movie reviews posted here at The Dirtywhirl, let's take a quick look at the rating system that we use to evaluate these feats of cinematic achievement (or lackthereof):

100 - Classic Film; One Of The Best Of All Time
99-90 - Exceptional Work; Rush Out And Netflix This
89-80 - Very, Very Good; You Should Still Go Out And Netflix This
79-70 - Not Bad At All; Might Actually Be Worth Your Time
69-60 - Has Its Moments But On The Whole... Meh
59-50 - Won't Make Your Eyes Bleed; Won't Make You Smile, Either
49-0 - Don't Waste Your Time; You're Smarter Than This (Probably)

Now... onto the reviews:

Pan’s Labyrinth
Pan’s Labyrinth is the quintessential example of bait-and-switch marketing. Every preview and/or still shot that was presented as part of its marketing campaign shamelessly played up the film’s fantasy aspect. From the Pale Man with eyes in his hands, to the statuesque Faun… even the movie poster itself that showed a small girl at the entrance of a massive labyrinth - all of these images were used to draw fans of fantasy/horror to a movie that actually only uses those tools for about 10% of the film. Surprise, suckers! I feel incredibly cheated. I signed up to see director Guillermo Del Toro’s (Hellboy) grotesquely freakish creatures, not a ham-handed message film about anti-fascist guerrilla soldiers in 1940’s Spain. Now, I’m not a totally unreasonable guy (despite what you may hear). Even though I was hoodwinked into this story, I would have bought into it had it been done carefully, but that’s yet another surprise – it’s not. Very heavy-handed in its message that fascism = bad while guerrilla rebels = good, Pan’s Labyrinth is downright boring and unbelievable for much of its 112 minute running time. The film follows a young girl named Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) who is believed to be the reincarnation of an underworld princess. Ofelia moves with her pregnant mother to a mill in the Spanish countryside where her stepfather, The Captain (Sergi Lopez) is stationed and attempting to hold off anti-fascist rebels. Partially through boredom and exasperation with her situation, Ofelia descends into a dream world, guided by The Faun (Doug Jones, Hellboy) who presents Ofelia with a series of tasks designed to prove that she is, in fact, the reincarnation of the princess. Sadly, this sounds much more interesting than how it actually plays out as Del Toro decides to focus way too much of his time and energy on Lopez’s mustache-twirling Captain, who is one of the most ineffective film villains in recent memory. His performance (and Del Toro’s focus upon it) ends up becoming Pan’s Labyrinth’s greatest weakness. When you look through the history of film, every great heavy has some kind of motivation for his misdeeds – there’s a method to his madness, if you will. Lopez’s Captain, on the other hand, is so cartoonishly over the top in his villainy that he drags the entire film down with him. You’re never able to take him seriously, making you apathetic to the cause of the rebels and thus the film itself. Pan’s Labyrinth may have had a chance to be great had it focused on Del Toro’s strengths, but by focusing too much of its time on an ineffectual villain and becoming a message film it ends up cheating both itself and its audience.

Dirty Rating: 44/100

Other (Way Too Slobbery) Reviews Of Pan's Labyrinth On Metacritic

R.I.P. Veronica Mars: 2004-2007

You were just too good for a world that didn't deserve you.

Movies You Should Netflix

Since this is one of the the first movie reviews posted here at The Dirtywhirl, let's take a quick look at the rating system that we use to evaluate these feats of cinematic achievement (or lackthereof):

100 - Classic Film; One Of The Best Of All Time
99-90 - Exceptional Work; Rush Out And Netflix This
89-80 - Very, Very Good; You Should Still Go Out And Netflix This
79-70 - Not Bad At All; Might Actually Be Worth Your Time
69-60 - Has Its Moments But On The Whole... Meh
59-50 - Won't Make Your Eyes Bleed; Won't Make You Smile, Either
49-0 - Don't Waste Your Time; You're Smarter Than This (Probably)

Now... onto the reviews:

Little Children
Suburbia, for all of its cheerful brightness on the surface can often be a dark and twisted place, which is precisely what director Todd Field (In The Bedroom) examines in his latest film, Little Children. Little Children is a haunting character study on the power of secrets and frustration that is at times hard to watch but is also incredibly compelling. Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind), stars as Sarah, a housewife who is bored with every aspect of her life: her Internet-porn addicted husband, her cavernous house, even her own daughter. This boredom thrusts her into an (at first) platonic friendship with Brad (Patrick Wilson, Hard Candy) who has issues of his own – he’s a failed law school graduate who is subtly chided by his more successful and ambitious documentarian wife, Kathy (Jennifer Connelly, Requiem For A Dream) for his continued inability to pass the bar exam. On a day out at a local playground with his son, Brad and Sarah have their first chance meeting, which leads to regular outings at the community pool, which eventually leads to fucking in Sarah’s laundry room and attic while their children nap in a nearby bedroom. Simultaneously, a convicted sex offender named Ronnie (Jackie Earle Haley, The Bad News Bears) has moved into their neighborhood and is enduring a constant struggle not only with disgusted and outraged neighbors, but with himself as he struggles to ignore his urges and heed his mother’s pleas to “be a good boy.” Almost every character in Little Children wants to change his or her life, yet is either unable or unwilling to do what is necessary to enact that change. Adapted from the novel of the same name by Tom Perotta, Field structures the film so that it feels like a moving narrative as the characters’ actions slowly burn (much like the symbolic heat wave that hits midway through the movie) towards a climax where their lives intersect in chilling fashion. Although Wilson is a bit of a cipher and Connelly is somewhat wasted in her role, both Winslet and Haley give powerhouse performances that were well deserving of their Oscar nominations. Winslet deftly conveys the frustration that Sarah feels as she realizes that she’s overqualified for the life that she has come to lead, and Haley is remarkable in portraying the internal struggle and disgust that Ronnie feels for himself while still finding enjoyment in his baser instincts. Little Children is definitely not a film for everyone, but those who can stomach it cannot help but be moved by it.

Dirty Rating: 88/100

Other (Not As Well-Written) Reviews Of Little Children On Metacritic

Quick N' Dirty Reviews

Bloc Party/ A Weekend In The City
Bloc Party’s debut, Silent Alarm, was the best album released in 2005. It was an adrenaline shot of indie rock that updated the angular guitar sounds of post-punk for the ‘00’s but at the same time was unafraid to tone it down with a mellow track from time to time. As such, A Weekend In The City was highly anticipated by many who were anxious to see how Bloc Party would follow up their masterpiece debut. The verdict is in and… it’s not bad, but it’s not great either. In any other band’s hands, A Weekend In The City, would be a triumphant album but the bar for what Bloc Party can do was raised so high with Silent Alarm that anything less is comes across as a mild disappointment. A decent bit of the repeat value of Silent Alarm is missing here, as is most of the energy that blazed through their debut. A Weekend In The City is a much colder album and is similar to the change in mood from Coldplay’s debut, Parachutes, to their sophomore release, A Rush Of Blood To The Head. Ostensibly examining the titular two days in London, the album runs the gamut from drug use (“On”), to empty, meaningless sex (“Kreuzberg”), to hung-over time wasting (“Sunday”), but despite its ambitions the album never really gels. The standout tracks really jump to the forefront but everything else tends to blend together. There are some surprises like “I Still Remember” which at first listen sounds like a crass attempt at a radio-friendly single until its lyrics about schoolboy-on-schoolboy love reveal themselves. Lead single “The Prayer” is oddly reminiscent of TV On The Radio’s “Wolf Like Me,” only not nearly as good. Just about everything else on the record stands as merely alright. Fortunately, the standouts are good enough to warrant a recommendation of the album, but a case could also be made that A Weekend In The City falls victim to a bit of the proverbial sophomore slump, mainly for having the misfortune of following Silent Alarm. On the bright side, their third album will only have to follow A Weekend In The City, which is a much less daunting task.

Dirty Rating: 80/100

Bloc Party On MySpace Music
Bloc Party's Official Site


Fountains Of Wayne/ Traffic And Weather
There’s often more to one-hit wonders than simply that one shining moment when everyone stands up and takes notice of their work for the first time. Sometimes these bands have been slogging away for decades before they are able to gain any measure of recognition. Fountains Of Wayne is one of those bands. I’ve been on the bandwagon since their debut way back in 1996, so seeing the band break through with a fairly mediocre song in “Stacy’s Mom” was a little disheartening. Little did I know that was only the beginning. After hearing Traffic And Weather, I’ve jumped off of the bandwagon so quickly that I’ve fractured both of my legs. This is such a uninspired and lazy album that it makes my parts hurt. The endearing quirkiness that fueled their early work has turned stale and grating on Traffic And Weather. There’s not one song that’s able to make its way out of this mire of crap: “Someone To Love” was a limp and illogical choice for a first single; “’92 Subaru” is basically an unfunny (and one would hope unintentional) reworking of Adam Sandler’s “Piece Of Shit Car;” “Yolanda Hayes” and “Michael And Heather At The Baggage Claim” are attempts at character sketches that just fall completely flat; and “Planet Of Weed” is simply the worst song that the band has ever written and/or recorded – period. Co-songwriters Adam Schlesinger and Chris Collingwood think that they’re being clever by attempting to pack in a variety of pop culture references (The King Of Queens, Coldplay, Dockers, and Doritos all make appearances), but their efforts end up feeling incredibly dated and desperate. Traffic And Weather, simply put, is a very disappointingly bad album from a band who really should know (and can do) much better.

Dirty Rating: 33/100

Fountains Of Wayne On MySpace Music
Fountains Of Wayne's Official Site


Rob Crow/ Living Well
It’s hard to tell where Pinback stops and Rob Crow begins. Much of Living Well, Crow’s fourth solo album, on the surface sounds like a logical progression from Pinback’s last stellar outing, Summer In Abbadon. After a while, though, one major difference pops up – Living Well really isn’t much of a finished album. Crow is a very, very prolific artist playing in no fewer than four bands, not to mention countless other projects so maybe he didn’t, you know, have time to put the finishing touches on this one. That’s not to say that there isn’t some worthwhile stuff on Living Well – quite the contrary, actually. “I Hate You Rob Crow” in another life could have been the radio hit that Pinback has never had, while “Taste,” “Up,” and “Focus” would have fit nicely on the Pinback’s upcoming Autumn Of The Seriphs. In the end, though, Living Well suffers for feeling like close to 75% of a really good album.

Dirty Rating: 74/100

Rob Crow On MySpace Music
Rob Crow Fan Site

TV Upfronts: Day Four And A Half - The CW

For a true TV junkie, the upfronts serve as a chance to gorge oneself on the possibilities that the coming TV season will bring. Where are your favorite shows moving to? Which ones have been cruelly axed by their network? What new shows should you most be looking forward to? It’s a great time to love TV.

One thing that’s important to remember: This is basically a multi-billion dollar game of chicken, so these schedules are most definitely subject to change but for now, here’s what The CW has to offer starting in September:

Mondays
8 – Everybody Hates Chris
8:30 – Aliens In America
9:00 – Girlfriends
9:30 – The Game

Tuesdays
8 – Beauty And The Geek
9 – Reaper

Wednesdays
8 – America’s Next Top Model
9 – Gossip Girl

Thursdays
8 – Smallville
9 – Supernatural

Fridays
8-10 – Friday Night SmackDown!

Saturdays
No Programming

Sundays
7 – CW Now
7:30 – Online Nation
8 – Life Is Wild
9 – America’s Next Top Model (Encore)

Note:
One Tree Hill, The Search For The Next Pussycat Doll, Farmer Wants A Wife, and Crowned: The Mother Of All Pageants will return/premiere at midseason.

The Big News:
*An encore (which is the politically correct way of saying “repeat”) of America’s Next Top Model. Another Pussycat Skank competition. Something called “Farmer Wants A Wife.” What do all of these shows have in common (other than that they appeal to people who are borderline retarded)? The answer: They’ve all been given a place on The CW’s schedule instead of Veronica Mars. Now, it’s hard to justify bringing back a show whose ratings were as dismal as those of Veronica Mars. I’m not disputing that – but considering what it’s being replaced by? I can feel the bile coming to the surface in the back of my throat as I write this. Veronica Mars was one of the smartest, funniest, most well-written and well-acted shows on television. Kristen Bell is a friggin’ goddess as well as being a supremely talented actress. AND it was basically the only show on this joke of a network that garnered any kind of critical buzz. You mean to tell me that there isn’t a place on this piece of shit network for a show like that? Fuck The CW with a rusty jackhammer.

*We pause now for a brief public service announcement: Anyone who finds The CW’s Sunday night lineup even remotely appealing should be kicked in the junk repeatedly and violently so as to discourage breeding.

*Although Reaper has been getting some positive initial reaction the fact remains that it is still a concept that has already been done, not to mention one that failed miserably. Time will tell, but Tuesdays at 9 were much better this season. Quick – guess what aired in that slot?

*Gossip Girl is widely anticipated as it is the latest project by the creator of The OC, Josh Schwartz. It’s got the potential for a built-in audience since it’s being adapted by the popular series of books by the same name, and it's probably The CW’s best hope for a hit. Recognizing this, it’s been scheduled after The CW’s top rated show, America’s Next Top Model (it actually pained me to type that last sentence). Veronica Mars fans like myself can take some small measure of solace in knowing that Kristen Bell is onboard as the never-seen Gossip Girl herself, who narrates the series. Hey – I takes ‘em where I can gets ‘em.

*Finally, watch Supernatural. I wish to God this show was on another network because it’s good and I don’t want to see The CW cancel another one of my favorite shows. Please watch. Please.

With that, the upfronts are over. It’s looking like a pretty lackluster slate of shows for this fall but over the next few months we’ll do our best to help you wade through the muck and find a couple that may actually be worth your time. You’re welcome.

TV Upfronts: Day Four - FOX

For a true TV junkie, the upfronts serve as a chance to gorge oneself on the possibilities that the coming TV season will bring. Where are your favorite shows moving to? Which ones have been cruelly axed by their network? What new shows should you most be looking forward to? It’s a great time to love TV.

One thing that’s important to remember: This is basically a multi-billion dollar game of chicken, so these schedules are most definitely subject to change but for now, here’s what FOX has to offer starting in September:

Fall 2007:
Mondays
8 – Prison Break
9:00 – K-Ville

Tuesdays
8 – New Amsterdam
9 – House

Wednesdays
8 – Back To You
8:30 – ‘Til Death
9 – Bones

Thursdays
8 – Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
9 – Kitchen Nightmares

Fridays
8 – The Search For The Next Great American Band
9 – Nashville

Saturdays
8 – Cops
8:30 – Cops
9 – America’s Most Wanted: America Strikes Back

Sundays
7 – The OT (NFL Post-Game)
8 – The Simpsons
8:30 – King Of The Hill
9 – Family Guy
9:30 – American Dad

January/Spring 2008:
Mondays
8:00 – K-Ville (January)/Prison Break (Spring)
9:00 – 24

Tuesdays
8 – American Idol
9 – House

Wednesdays (January)
8 – Back To You
8:30 – ‘Til Death
9 – American Idol

Wednesdays (Spring)
8 – Back To You
8:30 – The Return Of Jezebel James
9 – American Idol Results Show
9:30 – ‘Til Death

Thursdays
8 – Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
9 – Canterbury’s Law

Fridays (Spring)
8 – Bones
9 – New Amsterdam

Saturdays
8 – Cops
8:30 – Cops
9 – America’s Most Wanted: America Strikes Back

Sundays (Spring)
7 – King Of The Hill
7:30 – American Dad
8 – The Simpsons
8:30 – Family Guy
9 – The Sarah Connor Chronicles

The Big News:
*You pretty much have to be an expert in string theory to understand FOX’s convoluted schedule. Seriously, FOX execs – lay off the meth when you’re putting a fall slate together. Not to mention, maybe you should try to compete in the fall instead of putting forth a craptacular line-up like the one above. No wonder FOX is a fourth-place network. They don’t really start caring until January.

*After avoiding the temptation for years, FOX has spun-off the insipidly popular American Idol into a new atrocity entitled The Search For The Next Great American Band. Is any self-respecting band actually going to go on this show? I was discussing this possibility with a friend and, since the new show will reportedly adhere to the American Idol format, bands will be forced to perform a vast array “theme nights” during the competition. This may work for the talentless karaoke singers on the original show, but forcing a band to play outside their comfort zone? Stupid. Any joke of an album one of these “bands” puts out is going to be so unfocused and scattershot and shitty… yet people will eat it up with a spoon. God help us all.

*Can someone explain to me how the Terminator adaptation The Sarah Connor Chronicles fits with FOX’s Sunday night animation block? If there’s a correlation there, I’m certainly missing it.

*Frasier’s Kelsey Grammar and Everybody Loves Raymond’s Patricia Heaton return to TV in the new sitcom Back To You as co-anchors of a news program who can’t stand each other. That’s funny because I couldn’t stand either of their previous shows and this concept sounds about as appealing as something that I found in my son’s diaper. Pass.

*House is still on? And it gets the post-Super Bowl slot in February? Really? Why?

*Just about the only thing to look forward to on FOX is Gilmore Girls creator Amy Sherman-Palladino’s new series, The Return Of Jezebel James, premiering at some undetermined date in the spring. Starring Parker Posey and Six Feet Under’s Lauren Ambrose, it promises to have the whipsmart dialogue of the early seasons of Gilmore Girls which - I’m here to tell the haters - is a good thing. Other than that, do yourself a favor and forget that FOX even exists. They’re even making The CW look good, and that takes some major, major talent.

Back tomorrow (or Saturday) with The CW.